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They Don't LOOK Like Homos...

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

by Bossy Boots

Okay, so I don’t know about where you live, but where I live, for the past week, if you ask any homosexual the important cocktail question of HAVE YOU SEEN IT YET, he will know exactly what you are talking about. And if the answer to the question is yes, he will start whimpering and dabbing at his eyes and mumbling something-or-other about his own pathetic gin-soaked lifestyle. So obvs there is a real critical mass with the whole BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN coverage, in the sense that no fag can shut up on the topic. Guess what? That includes me! Sorry if you’re bored with the whole thing, but you might as well get used to the boredom now, because I have a feeling you are going to be reading even MORE about the movie very soon, when it wins like a billion Oscars or whatever they’re called. And anyway, how, I mean, really—how!?—could I possibly launch PUSHY BOTTOM without weighing in? After all, those of you who know me remember the nearly UNBEARABLE INTENSITY of my TOOTHY TILE obsession a few months ago.

My special journalistic angle on the movie is that no, I haven’t actually been to see it myself—personal reasons, okay?—but I HAVE been reading all the articles, and needless to say I HAVE SOME OPINIONS. Since this is a so-called WEB LOG (even though I am way too longwinded to be truly BLOGGY), I will just put it in the way of so many cybersavvy schoolgirls before me.

Mood: pEeViSh!!!!

First things first, I have a hard time believing that this amazing poster (thanks, WOW REPORT) is not a joke, and I don’t have the time to do the research to find out for sure, but even if it is fake, it totally exemplifies everything that’s fucking bugged me about the publicity blitz behind Brokeback Mountain from the start—that it seems to hinge on reassuring people that DON’T WORRY, IT IS NO GAY THING, THIS IS JUST A REGULAR LOVE STORY AND PARDON US IF WE FORGOT TO MENTION THE PART ABOUT TWO MEN WHO LOVE EACH OTHER AND TOSS EACH OTHER’S SALADS. (I am guessing—could someone who has seen the movie confirm the salad-tossing part?)

Then there’s the quote from Mr. Tile himself:

“And this movie was like, it has no bounds. Like, these aren't, in my belief, these aren't two, like gay guys. These are two people who fall in love. And, you know, from the environment that they're in, which is incredibly lonely, and, you know, they find each other."

Stutter much, Toothy? You know I would give up everything for you, but what the fuck? These are obviously two like GAY GUYS—at least in the short story—which I HAVE actually read. I mean, sure, you can probably quibble—(“Ennis is just A SWINGER blahblahblahblah) but the point is that these are two men who love each other’s wieners and can’t be together precisely because of that sorry fact. Jake, if you’re reading, feel free to comment: what, in your estimation, makes you so sure that these are NOT two like gay guys?

Ugh. It’s annoying, but whatever—I can’t really blame them publicizing this movie however they can, and plus, I like the idea of hapless straight men (maybe even Christian Burt Reynolds types) being CRUELLY TRICKED into seeing it. Of course, I can forgive Jake himself even more easily because, for one thing, he is obviously trying to distance himself from TED CASABLANCA’S DISGUSTING FALSEHOODS, and, for a second, who could look into these DOPEY BROWN EYES and stay mad for long?! (Answer: DEFINITELY NOT I.)

Okay, so Jake gets a pass—for now. But one person I can definitely be annoyed with is gay novelist David Leavitt. Yes, he was extremely nice to me that one awkward time I was forced to make embarrassing/drunk cocktail chitchat with him. And I kind of like that short story he wrote about a suspiciously David Leavitt-like gay novelist who writes college term papers for fratboys in exchange for filthy/hot sodomite sex. HOWEVER, his SLATE piece on Brokeback Mountain is just a big piece of pointless fuckery. The headline for the piece is "MEN IN LOVE: Is Brokeback Mountain a gay film?" Leavitt’s answer, duh, is that BBM is a LOVE story, but NOT a GAY one.


Leavitt goes on and on about who-knows-what (yes, I know that’s what I’m doing too, but I am a BLOGGER, not a journalist, so I’m allowed), and never quite explains what it is about this movie about homos in love that makes it not a gay love story. I mean, it seems to have something to do with the total crappiness of movies like MAKING LOVE and the fact that the word GAY “implies banalities.” He also brings up the fact that “neither of the men eschews sex with women.” Of course, we all know from our Sarah Lawrence Queer Theory classes that sexuality is complicated, but David is splitting hairs here in the service of the pointless and obnoxious non-argument that, despite the fact that the whole point of it is faggotry, Brokeback Mountain is “not a gay love story.”

Why, again? Oh yeah—because of “the film's happy resistance to the stale clichés of gay cinema...”

I get it a little bit, I guess. Brokeback Mountain (apparently) avoids the retardation of homo-flicks past. But just because gay movies have been historically bad, does that mean that if a movie about gay people doesn’t suck, it’s not a gay movie?Leavitt may also be talking about the whole ghettoization factor. I’m sure he has firsthand experience with constantly being categorized as an always-qualified GAY NOVELIST. And I too shudder when I see real writers like Al(l)ans Hollinghurst and Gurganus shelved in the fag section of Borders with all the trashy gay romance novels instead with the rest of the fiction. But, in the end, that’s not the argument that Leavitt is making here. Instead, he truly seems to be trying to assure all the sodomy-loving cowboys out there that JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A COCK UP YOUR ASS DOESN’T MAKE YOU NO FAG.

Everyone all at once: YAY!

[PS – while I first started reading FOURFOUR for his amazing ANTM recaps, his review of Brokeback Mountain is like the smartest thing I read all week. And not just because he refers to Jake as a DREAM BOTTOM.]


Blogger Blow Hard said...

I’m sorry, but I need to pipe in, add my two cents and second Bossy Boots’ tirade about all this gaynaysaying. Call me old-fashioned, but in my “book” a movie about two cowboys who lick each other’s burritos and trade RJs, HJs, BJs and BFs in a tent is almost certainly gay. Why can’t people stop having their periods and just admit what they know is true—nothing is more natural than a sweet rim job exchanged between Toothy T-Bag's anus and Heath Ledger's tongue. Unfortunately, since I “live” in Crapachusetts, where gay marriage is legal, but BAREBACK MOUNTAIN is not even out of the closet, I can’t personally testify to its greatness. I mean gayness. That said, BBMTN is undeniably the best movie in the anals of cinematic history.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous emily said...

As usual, you expect too much of our culture. Of course any book or movie that's making a bid for 'mainstream' success is going to attempt to tone down perceptions of its gayitude in hamhanded and retarded ways; of course its stars are going to be nonsensical when they try to stay on-message. But this kind of overdefensiveness always blatantly backfires by drawing more attention to the thing it's trying to conceal. BM's publicity campaign reminds me of the 20 page glossy pamphlet about recycling that my giant-corporation employer puts in everyone's inbox on Earth Day.

1:50 PM  
Blogger dan said...

Brokeback Mountain tried to become my Myspace Friend. I rejected him.

4:50 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

My real problem with this film is the erroneous and offensive depiction of cowmen (please don't infantilize them by calling them boys!)

For instance, it is a well-known FACT that cowmen are never hot. This is obviously true in the moody pretty-boy Toothy Tile way, but no less true in the hunky, Australian He Man way. Cowmen have long prided themselves on hideous,inhuman appearance. This is true even of those who choose to partake in rim jobs amidst the sagebrush.

Also, why does none of the publicity for this film depict these cowmen with the great sign of cowman pride, the lump of chaw behind the lower lip? So Ang Lee's not afraid of showing ass-splitting colon plowage, but he can't give his brave cowman the courage to chew Copenhagen in the open?

This movie is nothing but propoganda intended to degrade cowmen everywhere.

PS: On the fag note, I like the cute touch of having Heath Ledger and Michelle William actually have a baby together in real life just to prove the ultimate heterosexuality of the film! Nice touch Ang "Anal" Lee!

7:14 AM  

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