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I've Been Clowned

Thursday, December 22, 2005

by Bossy Boots

Contrary to what the smarmy little bitches over at QUEERTY (which I never read!) would have you believe, nip/tuck is clearly THE gayest show on television right now. And, in keeping with our national gay culture of TOTAL MEDIOCRITY, it also may be among the crappiest.

Ok, so I admit I may have been a fan of the program in the past. I even kind of liked it when Famke Jansen had hot tranny incest sex with her sexy teenage son. However, Tuesday’s big FINALE episode was so ridiculously bad—and so retardedly gay—that I really do not know if I can take it anymore. As everyone knows, it all revolved around the unmasking of the mystery criminal known as THE CARVER, or, as Blow Hard calls him, THE CLOWN. Basically it turns out that The Clown was Quentin all along. (Quentin, you’ll recall, is the BI SWINGER plastic surgeon who was called in from Atlanta, Georgia, to help fix the clown’s face slashings after Christian (or was it Sean?) got clowned himself.) How coincidental that Quentin was the one doing the slashing in the first place! Also, we learned last night that he (of course) has no penis which explains why he was the PUSHY BOTTOM in the episode where he got fucked by that military guy. (But why no reach-around, I ask you!?) In further coincidence, the sexy british detective INVESTIGATING the clownings turned out to be his secret incest twin sister, and was in cahoots all along. WHAT A TWIST!!!!

Meanwhile, Matt, the creepy teenage son who once circumcised himself, was kidnapped by a Nazi after he was caught KI-KI-ing at the makeup counter with his pre-op tranny friend, Cherry—or maybe it was Candy, I forget. Something along those lines. Eventually, Candy was able to whack the Nazi with a shovel and then shoot him, but not until Matt had been forced to cut off her (Cherry’s) burrito with a rusty boxcutter.

So I know it is totally my fault for buying into the hype, but I actually thought the clown revelation was at least going to make sense. My fellow and I were so excited. We were taking it very seriously and had certain THEORIES as to The Clown's identity. But no. The writers totally decided the whole thing at the last minute, and then had to make sure that no one had a dick, just because it’s Nip/Tuck. In conclusion, this is the gayest show ever, and also the WORST.


Blogger Blow Hard said...

Don't you mean Klowned?

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never seen this show before...but it looks like I will have to look in to it. Sounds like a car wreck, you slow down, and can't look away. Thanks for the viewing tip....!!

3:35 PM  

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